But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. (Psalm 42:8)
I am a student at Midwest Bible College of Milwaukee, and we were recently asked to review a book on the subject of forgiveness and discuss its application for the Christian. The author was an excellent resource on the topic, but I did take issue with one assertion that I hear often—that we must never engage in self-pity. Before you ‘go there,’ let me say that I agree wholeheartedly that self-pity can be a breeding ground for anger and hate. I also understand the dangerous connection between un-forgiveness and bitterness. With all that being said, I also believe that it is time for the church to understand that there is a very thin line between self-pity and mental illness or trauma for those who have endured bad relationships.
We call ourselves SURVIVORS when we have been able to escape toxicity in relationships. I believe that the word, SURVIVOR, should never be taken lightly because most survivors have experienced sometimes unbearable pain and tragedy. Some survivors have only escaped poisonous relationships by way of death! Yes, I still call these individuals SURVIVORS because in their battle they have experienced the ultimate healing which is being in the hands of God.
I have talked to countless women who have suffered from the most egregious trauma at the hands of men who were supposed to love them. This is why I believe that trauma should never be mistaken for ‘self-pity’ because trauma has serious medical implications for the person suffering. Let me say it again–trauma is in NO WAY an excuse to hate, resent, or become self-righteous; however, it is important to understand the effects of trauma—especially deliberate and repeated incidents.
My conversations with other survivors have caused me to be adamant about encouraging one to seek medical help as a means to heal. Seeking help should never be shameful; in fact, I believe that God can use coaches, counselors, psychiatrists, and psychologists to heal our pain. These individuals have often researched the human psyche and have clinical experience with individuals suffering on many different levels. Some are also Christians and experienced in counseling from a biblical perspective. Overall, the human mind is multi-faceted and requires a multi-dimensional, integrated approach to healing.
One thing that I learned along my journey is that emotional pain is just as real as physical pain, and it is only in recent times that our society has made the connection between the human mind and body. The Bible tells us that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he; therefore, we must give credence to the fact that a person facing emotional pain will hurt just like a person with a physical injury will. Both are equally painful even though some scars are internal while others are visible.
One of the things that I struggled with was trying my best to just forget the negative things that caused me trauma in my marriage. As I worked through therapy, I realized that I had habitually forgotten traumatic incidents of my past by deeply burying them. In fact, this is one reason why I believe I stayed in the marriage so long. My therapist helped me to understand that with mental illnesses such as Traumatic Brain Injury and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, there is a SHOCK to a person’s system that often affects him or her medically. This may give the impression of resentment or self-pity, but in reality it is akin to a soldier being bombed while in war, only to return to civilian life and still hear BOMBS exploding in his or her head—even after diligently praying for said bombs to cease.
As I learn more about forgiveness, I recognize that while I may never be completely free from the thoughts that result from such deep hurts, I can choose not to dwell on them. I have learned that it is not healthy to totally forget; yet, it is also unhealthy to constantly remind myself of the pain. As a Christian, I struggle with whether or not I am grieving the Holy Spirit; therefore, when the bombs go off, I ask God to rid me of the bitterness, anger, fear, and sadness. I sometimes visit those dark places so I can face them and stand up for myself. However, I choose not to ‘stay’ in those places because while they are learning experiences, I must continue to press forward to a glorious future. As you heal, know that God is near both day and night. As you pray and sing songs to Him at night, His unfailing love envelops you during the day. My prayers are with you as we walk through the healing process.
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